二零零九

不知道為什麼，2008年的下半年，就一直很希望2008年不要結束。因為總覺得生命和一切的事情，好像都還沒告一個段落，沒有突破沒有改變。我不想要帶著一個陳舊的自己，進入2009新的一年。

年末的三個月，發生了非常多的事情，只是我從來沒有在這裡提過。有許多的掙扎與想法，還有外務的繁忙，以致於根本沒有時間理個頭緒來寫在這裡。我只覺得，我一直埋著在努力當中，把功課做好、調整我的生命、思想、信仰，可是總覺得沒有什麼成果、突破。

直到2008年的最後兩個星期，我甚至覺得，就這樣算了，因為距離我的理想（雖然我也沒有明確的理想），只是覺得好像什麼都沒有很大的改變。

最後一個星期，我連續參加了兩個特會，也沒有特別的事情發生，沒有那種一切就突然改變有突破。

但進入1月1日以後，一切都改變了。我真的不知道這一切怎麼發生的。我開始嚐到年末一直默默努力的成果和神的恩典。一切我禱告的，都發生了。而且是在不知不覺中，就改變了。當我在跟我媽媽分享時，我才發現，原來我以為流產的禱告，其實都已經生出來了。

我也發現，我從去年的激進的活躍，轉變為穩重的熱情。所有的困惑與矛盾，也得到一個答案。

真的要說，神的愛和恩典，是永遠無法用言語形容的。

不歸路

其實我寫了很多歌，只是我都不給別人聽，只有幾個人知道哪裡找的到。不過這不是重點，重點是我想要開始錄我寫的歌，然後做編曲。聽起來就很複雜，其實開始著手才發現不複雜，是非常頭痛。

我已經搞了快三了月了，還是錄不成。原本以為只要器材有了，歌也有了，這樣就可開錄了。可是我想的太美了。光是要搞懂線路和器材就已經弄得我兩個頭大。最麻煩的就是線路，我總是搞不懂，導線的插頭有很多不同種。 然後要怎麼搞到所有的線路都正確，音響放的出聲音，然後電腦也錄的到，這可是很大的工程。

尤其對我什麼都不懂的人，從active monitor與passive monitor都不懂，到什麼TS跟TRS插頭的不同，然後各式各樣的疑難雜症搞到現在，真的是很佩服我自己。

雖然我還沒出名，因為我連試音都錄不出來，不過我還是要極感謝Young跟Steven的幫忙。真的是幫助我許多。接下來，看來我得好好研讀Computer Music magazine了。

不過說到編曲，這樣代表我什麼樂器都要會一點，才知道那個樂器應該是要怎麼要表現才對。特別是鼓，看來我真的要十八班五藝都要會了。

My Confession

快要一個月了！其實有很多東西可以寫，只是一直沒有時間寫。最近真的是忙忙忙忙忙忙忙忙忙忙忙忙忙忙忙！

另一個原因，是因為我開始做一件我以前一直覺得是很阿嬷的事情：我開始在玩編織，knitting。對，就是拿兩根棍子和一堆線在那邊弄。所以就不太想用電腦。

我之前一直覺得很丟臉，都不敢跟別人說，只有進過我房間的人才知道... 是不小心被發現的！

話說為什麼我會開始用，我也不知道。好像就有一天去Michael's（一家craft store）的時候，就很自然的去yarn的那一邊，然後就覺得可以試試看。

我這人很沒耐心，所以不可能會去織一件衣服之類的，只會找那種比較不一樣的線來織，或者比較粗的！因為比較粗的三兩下就織好了。哈哈！不過至今，我也只織過一條圍巾和一個側背包。不過我的圍巾不像大家的一樣，因為我用的線都是比較不一樣的！一定要強調，我絕不做那種看起來很老氣的東西。不然搞了老半天，自己也不喜歡，實在浪費時間。

提出來的重點是，一開始我覺得做這個很浪費時間，好像沒有什麼意義。可是我後來發現，這其實幫助我很多。可以從幾點來分析。

第一、以前國中讀基測（就是考高中的全國考試）的時候，我們導師總是罰我們刷地、擦窗戶，反正就是做勞力。後來她才跟我們說，一直出力做同一件事情，不太需要腦筋思考的，是很好的發洩管道，會讓情緒穩定。也真的如此。下次你試試看，心情不好的時候，去擦家裡的地板，整理房間。我後來發現編織也是一樣，做的時候，心情會平穩。

第二、因為手被佔用了，所以只能聽東西，或者是說話。因此我常常做的時候，就在聽IHOP的prayer room的敬拜，或者江牧師的信息，不知不覺中，就在洗腦。另外，我常常在編織的時候跟神講話，很多時候神都藉此也跟我講話。鼓勵我或者是光照我的黑暗，然後我也可以做簡單的禱告。真的別小看這個，我最近有很多的改變、突破，都要歸功於這個時候。

好吧，我只是講講而已，沒有鼓勵大家去做，不過可以試試看就是了，但別太入迷！這樣就變的不好了！該做事情的時候，還是要去做。而且，其實線沒有很便宜，不過如果你做成功了，那你就賺回來了，因為比在外面買同樣的東西便宜。

Grapes + Apple

昨天我跟Alice中午喝了一杯我們自己打的葡萄蘋果汁。強烈推薦給有便秘的人喝！

喝了之後，我跟Alice都去了廁所兩次辦大事業。整天腸子都在那邊轟隆轟隆的翻滾。千萬別輕易嘗試！

不過或許是因為我們把他打的像泥一樣，加的水比較少，所以效果才會如此的強烈。

但經過幾次這種集體肚子不舒服事件後，我發現我的腸胃消化還蠻快速的，通常那些「炸彈食物」進去後沒多久，就會有反應，不像大部分的人，都要拖好久才需要緊急去廁所。不過他們按照經驗來看，通常後者比較會有不幸或丟臉的事情發生。哈哈哈！

關於錢

正當經濟一直往下滑時，我們通常都覺得不關我們的事，因為我們根本沒有在賺錢，所以好像對我們都沒有影響。But have you ever thought of where the money you spent come from?

或許你們可能覺得，經濟根本不關你們的事情，可是那是因為你老爸老媽沒有跟你提他們面臨的危機，而你就當作不關你的事情，繼續花錢如水。你不要說，我們家的經濟狀況很好，完全不用擔心我怎麼花錢。那都是謊言。真的只是因為父母愛你，所以才沒有跟你說這些經濟壓力，怕影響到你的課業或生活。

不要說你現在就去找一份工作賺自己額外想花的錢。你有想過你父母辛苦花在你身上的錢，你有讓那些錢先被用的值得嗎？如果花在學費上面，你有先好好讀書嗎？還是不斷的拿到F，然後又要重修又要繳一筆學費？

在花父母辛苦賺的錢的時候，你有花多少時間，為他們的身體、工作禱告？你所能回饋的，也只有這樣，而你有做到嗎？

Emotional Problems

I don't know how my private diary popped up on this blog for one day..... how embarrassing.... fortunately, there's no names in there.

It's funny when i see that post cuz i don't feel that way any more. I haven't post for a long time, so i guess i'll just write something about this.

I was dealing with emotional problems for the last few weeks. Everyone has this "emotional problem". Do not deny! I have it too. Emotional problems don't have to be like "i like him", "i love her", etc. It could just be like i-care-about-him-more-than-most-guys, even though you might not "like" him. If you have this feeling, you MUST deal with it for your own sake! It feels super awesome when you are free from it. Seriously.

I would say that the process is NOT easy at all. You must be DETERMINED. That's the whole point - BE DETERMINED. After i made my decision, i warfared against it a lot. How? Whenever think of him, i simply decide that i'm not going to continue doing so. I just start praying to God to help me, and focus my eyes on Jesus. Basically, this is what i can think of right now. Maybe i'll post more details about dealing this in the future.

Anyways, the strategy that i wrote looks so lame, but it's not. Did you know that God hears every prayer if you mean it? Your prayer could be simple, but sincere. Your prayers must be sincere and determined. Not like "God, i wish i won't think of him/her anymore. help me God." in a pity attitude. Be like, "GOD, I DON'T WANT TO AND I WON'T THINK ABOUT HIM/HER ANYMORE! so help me. Let my eyes be only on you." Be aggresive!

I remembered one time, i prayed about it for around 15 minutes when i couldn't concentrate. The next day when i was in the same situation, i wasn't bothered by the emotional thoughts i had yesterday. i was so excited cuz i'm improving! And little by little, i got set free more and more. until now, i'm starting to taste the sweetness of being free.

Never say that you tried it before but it never worked for you. It's not a one-time issue, you have to constantly deal with it. If i can do it, then anyone can do it. Might take weeks or months to completely overcome it, but the prize is big once you fight the good fight.

See Me Through

See Me Through by Tim Reimherr

As I wait for You
Would You come and see me through
The darkness of this side
I know its all for You
That in the end You would find
A pure and spotless bride

For I'm a stranger here with You
Struggling inside to be a resting place for You
And I was made to be with You
I don't truly rest until I find my rest in You
So come and see me through

As I Journey on You will lead me by Your hand
And receive me in the end
Whom have I but You
And there is none upon then earth
That can save me but You

As I journey on this path of life
Let me find favor in Your eyes
To walk humbly before Your eyes
Always, always
Whom have I in heaven but You
And only what You say
Will really see me through
Send forth Your light and truth
And lead me, lead me on

Lord have mercy
'Cause it's my only means
To find You here with me
To find You here with me
Lord have mercy
'Cause it's my only plea
To find You here with me
To find You here with me

As for me I will enter Your house
By the mercy You're giving me now
Your mercy is my only means (plea)

Life is not right until You split the sky
The Spirit and the Bride say, "Come!"
We long for the day
When You make all thing news
We want to be with You

Your Calling

我非常厭倦聽到一些話語...

大人說：「如果我在你的年齡_____，那有多好。真希望可以重來一次。」
或
年輕人說：「我想念_____（某些回憶，尤其是朋友相聚之類的）的時候，真希望能夠再_____（也就是再次發生）。」

其實，我以前也是那樣的人。我不會講第一種人講的話，但我會希望有些場景、或者朋友的相聚能夠再一次美好的發生。

經過思考，我發現直到你真的知道你的呼召之前，其實你大部分都活在過去，懷念著過去，因為你根本不覺得未來吸引你，你已經滿足於現狀。唯有當你看清你的未來，也就是你的呼召時，才有可能像保羅說的：忘記背後，努力向著標竿直跑。

雖然我不是每天都過的很好，有時候也會遇到很不愉悅的事情，但事情一過，就讓它過去，為甚麼要一再為這些事情煩惱？這些事情值得你不斷思考嗎？難道你的人生的目的就是不斷思考過去所以有不愉快的事情嗎？或者只是沉醉於美好的回憶？這些事情，比神要給你的呼召重要？他們值得你花時間去停下來回憶，而不是繼續努力向著你的使命奔跑？

讓我跟你說，有一次我為一個人所做的事情很生氣，是非常生氣，因為我覺得他根本不尊重我。我忍不住打給我好朋友跟她抱怨，結果她根本沒安慰我，她直接問我：「這個人所做的事，與神給你的呼召比起，值得你花時間為他生氣嗎？」我的氣馬上就消了，因為我清楚知道我的呼召，所以我知道我根本沒有多餘的力氣浪費在這件事情上面。

有些人或許會說，那是因為神恩待你，讓你這麼年輕就知道你的呼召；並且也認為一般要知道自己的呼召，是需要長期的歲月才會知道。NO！只要你真的認真的想知道，跟神求，祂會跟你說。即使你現在仍不知道，你仍可以跟神說，你不想浪費你的時間，叫神現在就開始帶領你進入你的命定。

When You know the love of Christ and your calling, your life becomes meaningful and focused.

弟兄們，我不是以為自己已經得著了；我只有一件事，就是忘記背後，努力面前的，
向著標竿直跑，要得　神在基督耶穌裏從上面召我來得的獎賞。 ─ 腓立比書3:13-14
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3:13-14

Dating

I am really tired and i need to go to bed, but i need to charge my ipod right now, so here i am.

我想了一件事想了很久，今天我突然完全想通了，我可以寫出來了。

I'm willing to pursue God, even if it cost me everything, even my marriage. Well, i've made this decision quite a few months ago.

As most people know, I want to get married while i'm still in my early twenties, but not now. My mom prays that i will get married when i'm 22 years old. Well, i do not disagree with her, although most people think that's it's too young. NO, IT'S NOT. i won't explain it now, cause i have something more important to say.

So like, i was just telling you guys that i REALLY want to get married someday, but if it's God's will and GRACE that i'll stay single forever, then let His will be done. It's as good as getting married. That means my heart will be totally His alone. There's nothing to fear. Even if i get married someday, the one who can satisfy my heart is God, not man. What a husband can do is to support me and to fulfill our callings together.

Anyways, i was thinking about DATING. You have to admit that almost everyone gets excited when seeing the word "dating". But sorry, what i'm going to say will totally offense you for sure.... I DO NOT BELIEVE IN DATING. (the definition of dating: two person being together before getting engaged, maybe regarding each other as girlfriend or boyfriend, and are trying to find out if they suit each other and if he or she is the one.) seriously, let me say it again. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN DATING.

Why? because i believe in DIVINE MARRIAGE. I believe that God will CLEARLY tell you whether he or she is the one or not. You don't have to try to figure it out yourself and get hurt and all that stuff. If he or she is the one, then get engaged, and get married soon! This will stay you away from sinning.

Fortunately, that's how my mom thinks too. Get married as soon as possible once you are sure that he or she is the one no matter what circumstances you are in.

Think about it, if you really believe that God will tell you who the one is, then why do you have to figure it out yourself? He knows the answer, but you don't. We are just guessing around. I am sure that God will prepare your heart before telling you who the one is, so there is no need to panic that God might give you someone that you hate. I used to get really scared when i think of this, but now i know that God KNOWS my heart, and He KNOWS that i'm willing to seek His will, and HE WILL ALWAYS GIVE ME WHAT IS BEST FOR ME.

the end.


anyways, i was planning to type in Chinese, so there's one line in the top, but i don't know how i ended up typing English. aiyah... there might be lots of grammar mistakes, but i'm too tired to proofread it....

gnite.

Decision

September 16, 2008, Tuesday.
A memorable day.

I probably made one of the hardest and life changing decision in my life.
I asked my mentor to really discipline me. I mean REALLY discipline me.

I wanted my life to be changed, but in the past few weeks, i found out that you can't rely on yourself. I am weak; i can't count on myself. So i asked for help.

I asked Nicky ayi to discipline me - reporting my daily schedule, teaching me practical ways to achieve my goals at this time, correcting my character flaws and all that stuff - just to help me run the good race.

It'll hurt, i know it will. I'm not used to be disciplined by others, i used to discipline myself. But I WANT TO BE CHANGED!!!! THERE IS NO COST!

I want to change other people's life, but my life has to be changed first!!!
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WASTE!!! TIME IS TICKING BY. every minute, every second!

and to be realistic, I AM NEARER DEATH EVERY MOMENT WITHOUT FULFILLING MY CALLING!!!!!

We often think that just because we want means we already are
No, just because we want to love God, doesnt mean we are.
just because we want to live holy, doesnt meant we are

We often think that as long as we are willing, time will get us there someday.
But WHEN WILL THAT SOMEDAY BE TODAY?

do you want it bad enough?
If you want it bad enough, you'll pray every day that that someday will become today
If you want it bad enough, you'll do EVERYTHING you can to make that someday become today
If you want it bad enough, you'll do NOTHING that will hinder you

Yes, God looks at our hearts
Yes, His grace is sufficient for us
Yes, He loves us no matter what
Yes, He's pleased with our broken and weak love
But i'm not satisfied with Him just seeing my willingness
I don't know about you, but i want to make Him proud of me.
I want to make my father proud.

On Judgment Day, i want to be able to stand before Him and hear Him call me a good and faithful servant. Not just a servant who didnt rebel, not just a servant who didnt do terribly bad stuff, not just a servant who was willing to obey but never did, I want to be called a good and faithful servant. I want to do everything i can to please Him.

Being radical or passionate is NOT a feeling. It is passion that results in standards, holy standards.

- Marian Pan
(sorry, i didn't tell you that i was going to use it.)

新房友

那天從學校回家，看到家門有一台Lexus的車，我還跟min想說是誰的，結果一進門，發現家裏又搬來一個人，而且是一位「年輕」的男生。

我自動換了一間廁所，因為我實在覺得共用一間廁所非常的awkward。然後我也不能亂穿睡袍到處跑，雖然那真的很保暖。反正，就是AWKWARD+AWKWARD+AWKWARD。不過到目前為止，還沒什麼尷尬的事情...

Anyways，我今天從學校回來後，跟另一位阿姨在研究他吃得東西，and that made my day.

大鍋飯裡面只有一小塊肉，冰箱裡全部都是ham，因為不用煮，車庫裡一大箱的泡麵，一大罐牛奶用來吃cereal。I don't know how i will survive if i only had those food. I probably rather fast.




總之，跟一群媽媽們住慣，難得看到這麼「簡單」的食物，是在蠻有趣的。我終於知道ashley之前描述Jerry每天吃大亨堡的樣子了。

Wasted Words

sometimes i am get really disappointed at myself, cause i can't control my tongue all the time.

雖然我跟以前比起，已經少講很多話了。但有時，我還是覺得自己講太多。事過之後，就又覺得很後悔。

我所指的，不是那些一時口舌之快，罵人或批評人的話，而是廢話，可以不必講的話。沉默是金，這不只是一句中國成語，也在聖經中找的到。

多言多語難免有過；禁止嘴唇是有智慧。─ 箴言10:19
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. - Proverbs 10:19

有多少話語，是因為怕沉默、孤單所以才講的？幾乎所有都是，為了要吸引別人的注意。

耶穌有很多時間是單獨與神相處的，我相信祂平常也講很少話的。I want to be like Him.

我要學會完全享受孤獨與沉默，讓我的眼目是單單定睛在神身上，而不是人的眼光，因為他可以滿足我的心的，話語是無法滿足的。

Let my words be few.

謹守口與舌的，就保守自己免受災難。 ─ 箴言21:23
He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. - Psalm 21:23

兩把椅子

i know, it's late again. but i wasn't wasting my time....

我房間裡有兩把椅子。一把是鋼琴椅，另一把是那種很舒服的辦公大椅子，有滑輪和扶手的，可以往後倒的那種。

最近的生活，非常的簡單。讀書、做家事、煮飯、敬拜、讀經、禱告、處理一些生活小事，我覺得很幸福。你無法想像。

坐在大白（就姑且這樣稱呼我的大椅子，雖然它比米色再暗一點）上面寫功課，再坐上小黑（我的鋼琴椅）彈鋼琴，並且把它錄下來，再坐回大白上面，透過那對很好的喇叭聽。你知道我從來沒有單單享受過我彈的東西（邊聽邊彈跟坐在那邊聽是完全不一樣的），我覺得好享受。這樣聽著聽著就可以遇見神。

我在台灣從來沒有過過這樣的生活，是讓我覺得這麼簡單幸福。

除了一堂很無聊的英文課，其他都是我想上的課，所一點也不覺得痛苦。雖然難，可是我讀的很開心、心甘樂意。最好的是，我除了英文跟鋼琴課，其他都是online的，所以我都超前進度，這樣就不會很緊張，可以放一天的假，就是單單的敬拜、享受神、和做生活小事（洗衣服、煮飯、寫信）。

當然也有不愉快的事情發生，或者要為一些事情禱告，但在神的平安裡，什麼事都變的幸福了。就像彈戀愛，跟愛的人在一起，什麼都變得幸福。因此我要讓神的同在、平安長住在我房間裡，因為有了這些，生活才變得幸福的。

No More Blogging or Facebook

我正在改變我的生活，前面幾篇曾經說過，「There's No Cost」。代表什麼？代表要學會運用時間，在事情上面做取捨。

所以，我現在開始，不會去大部分人的blog了，除非你是我的親戚，或者你寫的文章是有意義的。我想給你們看，什麼叫有意義的文章，不過那個blog是鎖起來的。所謂有意義，對我來說，代表是在寫永恆的事。是會激勵我，讓我更多想要追求神的。我的blog也還沒到那個階段，不過我希望我能夠用白話的方式，表達我正在經歷的，代表你們也可經歷。所以有時候寫一些生活五四三，讓這裡感覺不那麼深奧、嚴肅，這樣你們才會來。不過我也在寫另一個blog，或許到時候再正式介紹給大家。

因此，你們再也不會在你們的sitemeter上面看到有從Fremont的讀者。因為我講到就做到。我不要浪費這個時間，在那邊看有的沒的、無病呻吟的blog，或者只是可看可不看的blog了。

另外，我把我的Facebook給刪了。因為那也花我太多時間。所以要是你要找我，就寫email比較快。我沒時間再浪費在Facebook上面了。

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom - Psalm 90:12
求你指教我們怎樣數算自己的日子，好叫我們得著智慧的心。 ─ 詩篇90:12

追思

這是我代表我們家所寫的一篇文章，在追思中被朗讀的。

我相信他在天堂。



剛去美國讀書時，你曾在電話上幽默的答應我，要是還沒死，今年暑假就來美國看我。誰知，七月初你就發病入院了。你知道嗎？雖然回台灣的這一個月因著陪你，沒有時間見朋友或出去玩樂，但這卻是我度過最美的一個暑假。

想想我們的關係，似親卻又似遠。

從小到大，在我眼中，你一直是那種電影裡，標準快樂的外公。又唱又跳也說笑，家庭旅遊中也少不了活力與幽默。每次回台南，你也一定會大手拉小手的帶我去買我們最愛的Haagen-Dazs，我還記得你最愛酒釀櫻桃口味。

外婆過世後，我盡可的找時間陪你，相多與你相處。每回下台南，陪你到處跑跑走。有一次，你一大早就帶我去吃生牛肉麵，騎著摩托車，兩人就慢慢的摳（ㄎㄡ）到那家店，回來的路途中，才發現我們都忘了帶安全帽，不過你好像也習以為常了。只要你想做什麼，我心裡不論覺得再無趣，也都當小跟班，希望讓你不覺得孤單。因為我不想讓與外婆只有短暫相處的遺憾，再次發生。

直到近來，我才開始聽到大人眼中你，是我不認識的那一面。頓時，我才發現，我們似乎是那麼的陌生。即便如此，你仍是我所親愛的外公，永遠也不會改變。

印象中，在我小時候，我們的主題總是圍繞著聖誕老人與鋼琴。那時我還深信，你是聖誕老人的朋友呢。小時我很瘦小，因此你答應我，體重達到30公斤，就買一台grand piano送給我。可惜的是，我住的地方，一直擺不下，直好作罷。今年五月，你又再次提起了，我選擇替換成現今音色最好的一台keyboard。沒想到，我還沒學會把錄好的音樂從keyboard中轉至電腦裡，你就走了。我這次回美國，馬上就在研究，想說還是有機會，但還是太晚了。花了近十萬元，你卻沒聽過也沒見過這台keyboard。你知道我有多想讓你玩玩它嗎？我知道你一定超喜歡的。你知道我有多開心能夠擁有它嗎？我還到處跟我朋友炫耀說是我外公送我的。可是我都還來不及跟你好好的說。

我不難過你走了，這世界的苦楚太多，早點離開也好。但我每一滴眼淚是因著我不知道你去了哪而流。

親愛的外公，你最後的決定，沒有人能夠為我解答。但在這最後的生命旅途中，我看見神滿滿的恩典在你身上，不知你是否也有感覺到這份不一樣的愛。希望你我將來能在永恆相見。但願你心與我心，無縫隙，更知你心。

我愛你。